Why Astrology Readings Don’t Work on Psychic Hotlines


Having just resigned as a “psychic advisor” for a well-known and -respected company (can’t say which one due to legal reasons), I have to tell you what I learned about working on a phone line.

1. It’s outrageously expensive

In most cases, your pay-per=minute is going to be pretty steep. Most callers paid over $300+ per hour to talk to me, which is more than double my hourly rate. Before I can even give you a reading, I have to cast your chart in some type of software, which requires setup. It’s impossible to use with paper and pencil (which I love and do often in my private work) because of how much time it’ll take to cast everything, so I have to use a program like Nova ChartWheels or Aureas.

Most people complained about all the initial questions I had to ask in order to even get started, but how else do you expect me to give a quality reading unless I have your birth data?

Now the expense has begun. Even in full=on crack-addict mode, it would take me a minute to get everything inputted so I can see what’s going on and get to your questions. When you’re paying $$$$ per minute to talk with me on a hotline, there’s no way to put you on hold or schedule a callback so I don’t have to charge you for the setup. Some services are different, but this is rare in hotline format these options are considered longshot luxuries.

On a more positive note, once I have your chart(s) saved to whatever databank they’re in, it takes a few seconds to get up and runningI just have to find your name. I also have the great fortune of having a memory that’s more hung than an elephant, so I’m going to remember most everything about our previous conversations (plus I often make a few notes to help me avoid previous questions).

2. We’re astrologers, not psychics

Astrology is fantastic for looking at things like when you should get surgery, if you’ll be successful in signing up for a match.com Premium membership, or what new career opportunities you should explore.

While I will always believe Uranian Astrology is the psychic for you, there’s a distinction here: Astrology absolutely does not deal with lost objects, messages from departed loved ones, or what your boyfriend thinks about the fourth girl/guy in his rotation.

The first call I ever got was from someone who was distressed about losing a piece of jewelry, and the birth time was unknown, so it was truly impossible to work with in any way since there was no way to know the Ascendant (home, location). I couldn’t even use a Horary chart because the Moon was void-of-course!

I had another caller who gave me an astonishingly nasty and vulgar review because she didn’t like the way I read her “cards.” She wanted me to read a tarot spread (which I don’t do) when my advisor description very clearly said, “I’m an astrologer.” I redirected the conversation to talk about the chart, but s/he was stuck on getting a card reading.

3. People are lovesick

Quite honestly, if it weren’t for people being royally forked up towards others when it comes to basic human decency and love relationships, all types of metaphysical consultants would be out of business.

It was always amusing when I’d get calls from people who wanted to know if they should stay with their current significant other, or run back to their ex. As they’d describe the absolute atrocities they had to endure as a result of the other person’s actions, I was often dumbfounded as to what would cause a person to feel so insecure and worthless to put up with such nonsense. It’s like, come on, really??? Have you not been paying to the whole #metoo campaign that’s been in the media?

I would probably make a terrible counselor or therapist because I live by a zero-tolerance no-bullshirt policy, which means the moment a conversation turns into “poor me,” whining, or complaining, I quash the broken ego by redirecting into a more empowering mode. “I totally hear what you’re saying, and let’s explore this a little further.” Look at what the chart says, then provide meaningful solutions based on what’s going on. Like so many other Gemini, I’m a speaker first, and a listener never, and so being proactive comes naturally. Quit thinking about whatever’s on your mind—Just forking do it!

4. We’re fish out of water

When I tell people I worked for a psychic hotline, the common association is that I’m like Miss Cleo (may she rest in peace).

Maybe a teensy bit because good astrologers have the ability to forecast what’s going to happen in the future, but that’s where the similarities end.

I don’t read cards, look into crystal balls, or wear a turban. Astrologers have a unique lens for looking at things, which is even more true for Uranian astrologers like me.

The unfortunate thing is that the masses don’t connect with astrologers on psychic hotlines because they recognize our readings are complicated and involve a type of scientific method or mathcraft.

The average caller wants someone who’s going to connect instantly without tools, or can pull a few cards here and there to intuit the information the caller wants to know. The reading should take about five minutes in total, no setup required, and hitting on personal stuff gets them to buy more credits.

It’s catastrophically difficult to give a quality, objective reading in just five minutes. In fact, the average test reading for these services will run between 15-20, so it’s nearly impossible to figure out whether you’re going to get back with your ex in such a short time without first analyzing several midpoint axes, directions, etc. Truth be told, astrologers just aren’t popular on hotlines because of the time needed to give the right answer.

5. People are downright mean

In an attempt to modify my reading style to work better in a hotline format, I experimented with using an oracle deck I’m in the process of creating (release date: TBD) and this involved reducing the necessary birth data to just a birthday.

I messed up in one call because I misspoke and stated the caller was the wrong sign, and that review was…negative, to say the least. The caller promptly hung up after a few minutes.

Having used psychic hotlines in the past, way before I knew really anything about astrology or metaphysics (yes, I was rather lovesick at the time), I spoke with several advisors about the same issue, and would hang up the moment I was told what I didn’t want to hear.

I think that’s the point of psychic hotlines—People talk over and over to different advisors about the exact same question, and they continue their rotation until they find the person who tells them what they want to hear. It’s unfortunate, but that’s the way it goes.

Not once did someone tell me to have a nice day, thanked me for my work, or really any sort of cordial greeting. I could tell very quickly when someone was distressed by the tone of voice. I knew if there was a depressed sort of tone, it was going to be a difficult call that wouldn’t last long.

Working a suicide hotline would be hard for this very reason; the main difference with a psychic hotline is that people aren’t that depressed, and the high minute rates keep that sort of emotional instability away. But in general, people who call a psychic hotline aren’t happy, though I did have the rare caller who phoned in just to chat and talk about new developments headed in their love life.

6. Where are all the dudes?

I suppose from a purely alpha male perspective, guys wouldn’t ever call a psychic hotline unless they’re gay, into some type of metaphysics/spirituality, and/or lovesick.

I actually never got calls from guys who wanted to know about their love life. The only male caller I got wanted to speak generally about career outlook. Most of the guys I heard about were from females who were caught up in emotional quicksand and wanted to know if the guy in question would come back.

I’m not sure why I feel such a connection to the alpha male spirit—One therapist suggested I connect with other guys in this way because it’s a reflection of who I want to become—and I think it’s so unfortunate that there aren’t many straight men who are into this type of work. It’s unlikely that anyone will ever have a predominantly male clientele unless they’re offering some kind of sexy adjunct or side business, but I remember the one time I had a male caller so I could connect with someone who saw the world through a different lens.

Way back in my past, I once attended this group in Washington where people learned about various divinatory subjects, and I met this dude who wasn’t very bright and really struggled to open up psychically—I actually never understood why he even attended, seeing the material was so insanely hard for him to grasp.

We tried to connect offline and it never happened. I then went through a brief phase when I tried to connect exclusively with guys, and that bore no fruit whatsoever. i’ve always fantasized about having a group of friends or colleagues that call ourselves “astro-bros” or whatever, but it seems like a total longshot at this point. You know, have a jingle like, “Three guys, one multi-verse.”

If I do run into guys at events, it’s mainly because their girlfriend dragged them along, and they just want it to end so they can go home and drink a cold one. I think about the only way I can get guys to sign up with me is if I specialize in some astro-psychological program that gets men to not only understand women, but also teaches how to be respectful. Like Ricki Lake’s “Charm School” (a total disaster of reality programming, but damn, I did love me some classic Brittanya fights), but with a male-centric theme that is quiet and respectable, devoid of any serious chaos.

And there you have it! Astrology readings don’t work on psychic hotlines that are like a chop-shop where you take multiple callers in a queue, but do work well with services that allow you to educate customers on the importance of birth times and give you the opportunity to schedule callbacks so you can adequately prepare without wasting valuable pay-per-minute time.

It was a great experience, but I’m glad to have moved onto the next phase of my career.

 

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